Muffins of the English variety

Muffins.  Sweet, warm, soft, fluffy, muffins.  I bet I've now elicited some sort of positive responses from your amygdala and your orbitofrontal cortex.  Now, let me take you into the world of the English muffin...  Chewy, cold, airy, slightly bitter, crusty, flat.  Mmmmmm, right?  ...Uh, no.


So my question is why did the English take a delectable food and turn it into a shoddy version of its self?  Oh, wait, nevermind--these are the people who use vinegar as a condiment.  Now it all makes sense.

Made in China

Is everything from China toxic?  Upon reading this article about honey--a food which one might associate with a sunny day picnic--my belief that yes, indeed, everything that comes from China is toxic was reinforced.  The article focuses on the quality of honey sold to the masses, which they rate by measuring the content of pollen in the product.  Apparently the pollen content of honey is a positive thing and indicates that the honey was harvested from a safe source.  The article, not surprisingly, found that a good portion of the honey we find in our supermarkets and mini-marts does not contain any pollen.  Now here comes the good part: the lack of pollen in honey may indicate that the honey has been, "smuggled from China and could be tainted with illegal antibiotics and heavy metals."  Come again...

Honey...Smuggled...Antibiotics...  What?

Why are the Chinese smuggling honey and selling it to us?  Until now I was unaware of this sector of the black market.  But the thing that really gets me is the fact that the Chinese are putting antibiotics and heavy metals in the honey.  Like it wasn't good enough on its own?  OK...

We've all heard the multitudes of stories regarding toxic Chinese products--the drywall, the toys, the prescription drugs, Jet Li in Kiss of the Dragon, etc. Are the Chinese just made of toxic chemicals?  Are they so desperate to get rid of an overabundance of environmental heavy metals that they incorporate them into the products they give to us?  It truly takes effort to come up with these crazy toxic ideas/additives!  Do they have a sector of their Food and Drug Administration (I'm guessing it's called the "Food, Drug, and 'Other Things We Don't Tell the Americans About' Administration") that is dedicated to creating wacky ways of poisoning ourselves? 

Wait a second...I think I know their motivation!  The Chinese are trying to take over the world and are accomplishing it in an unnoticeable fashion: by slowly poisoning Americans with the subtle use of heavy metals and toxins in our foods and toys that go undetected until it's too late!

The pertinent question is: Is it already too late...?

Mr. Wetzel's career choices

Wetzel's Pretzels can be found in malls across the country, but what if Mr. Wetzel was of any other name?  Would we still have a Wetzel's Pretzels shop pumping sweet dough smells throughout your shopping mall?  Something tells me that a Smith's Pretzels wouldn't have quite the same success. 

So, the real question here is whether or not Mr. Wetzel felt an obligation to become a pretzel maker.  Did he have the same freedom to choose his career as you or I did?  I'm guessing that I enjoyed more freedom of choice because my name doesn't rhyme with anything soft and delicious.  To the contrary, Mr. Wetzel's name had to have played a major role in his career choice.  He surely couldn't deny the calling--his destiny was determined long before he could choose.  It's too cool to pass up and I am willing to believe that Mr. Wetzel is a pretty cool guy.  He peddles pretzels for a living, I mean, come on!  Dang it.  Now I want a soft, chewy pretzel.  Damn you, Wetzel!

Some people used to be fat

...And some people used to be skinny.  This was my thought when I first heard of the MTV show, "I Used To Be Fat."  I would be willing to wager that the more appealing show would be, "I Used To Be Skinny."  So many more people would be able to relate to this show.  The majority of college freshman, pregnant women, people who like Oreos, those not willing to work out, etc.  There's your massive market, MTV.  And it will only continue to grow (pun intended).

The premise of the show could be this: you film an 18 year old kid about to go to college (the skinny days when he or she was maybe a high school athlete and burned more calories than ingested) and continue to film through the first year of college.  He or she drinks plenty beer, eats nothing but cafeteria slop, and neglects his or her exercise routine due to an excessive classload requiring many late nights (productive or not, this student is still not sleeping much).  Then the student returns to his or her hometown for Winter break.  The reunion is classic TV; the friends try not to laugh or smirk, the parents question their choice to let their kid care for themselves.  Boom! Ratings GOLD.  I need to bring this idea to MTV, I'm sure they'd be receptive.

The effect of exercise on boobs

I have a great girlfriend and I love her to death.  She's also quite funny--often without realizing it and I can rest assured that I'll be entertained for life.  One time she dropped this great nugget of knowledge and told me this: "If I start working out, you do realize that the first part of me to lose weight will be my boobs."  Screech.  I, in fact, did not know this.  This was news to my male brain.  Is this real or is it a hoax that she concocted in order to have a great excuse not to work out and simultaneously have my support in that choice to not work out?  I can't be sure, but I am sure that my first thought was, "would you like some ice cream?"